I Remember…

I Remember…

Today has been a day of moments from my life flashing through my mind.

I remember nineteen, alone in my room, screaming at God. “I’ve always heard that you loved me! How could you love me? Why would you love me?” I felt ashamed of my sin. I didn’t want to live anymore. I begged God to help me. He heard my cry and he sent friends who would point me once again to Him. I finally learned that I could never be good enough. I needed Jesus!

I remember 23. My heart was broken. I went alone to a dirty little room behind our garage because I was desperate to be alone with Jesus. I begged Him to heal my heart. His presence filled that little room and I experienced His love as I never had before. I gave Him everything that day, including the promise that I would always love Him above all else. (Five months later the man I loved asked me to be his wife. Our love for Jesus has been the foundation of our marriage.)

I remember 27, weeping while planting a rose bush in memory of yet another baby that had died in my womb. There was a temptation within me to be angry. I thought of Job’s wife who said, “Curse God and die.” The temptation was strong! But, I cried out to God, “I don’t understand why this is happening, but I know that You are good, and I choose to trust you.”

I remember 30. My heart and my arms were full, but my body was weak. I was filled with fear. How could I raise these children when putting one foot in front of the other left me exhausted? I cried out to Jesus, and He healed me.

I remember 39. I thought I was going to go crazy chasing all those kids around! I remember holding my sweet surprise from God at the back of a church where my other children were singing in a concert. A lady came up to me and said, “Honey, did you mean to wear two different shoes?” I looked down and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I saw two starkly different shoes on my feet. I chose to laugh and go barefoot. In that moment, I learned to praise God in the midst of chaos.

I remember 44, and the moment I realized that it wasn’t my husband that needed to change. It was me. I’ll never forget the love and grace that was poured out on me as I repented of my selfishness.

I remember 46. That’s when I finally figured out what was really important. A moment can change everything, and in a moment I decided no more striving. No more living to please others. I was simply going to love my God and love the people that he put me here to love.

And I remember 48. The year that I decided to take risks and step out in faith. No more hiding! God is here. God is good. He knows me. And I trust Him.

He also knows you! He knows you are a mess. Guess what! You don’t have to fix it in order to go to Him. Get on your knees and cry out to Him where you are! He will meet you there! (“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8) Surrender your life to Jesus. In this moment you can start the journey that will change everything. You can trust Him!

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