I like to be spontaneous and wild and free. As long as I know exactly where we are going, how we are going to get there and when we will arrive.
Also, I love surprises! As long as I don’t know about them beforehand, because if I know that there is a surprise ahead, I bite my nails, pace the floor and think of every possible scenario. I cannot simply relax and wait to see what it is. I worry that my expectations are too high, and yet, I want to be prepared for whatever comes my way.
My vacation style displays these things well. Before we go on vacation, I will spend hours and hours researching where we are going, the best places to eat, and the best rated attractions. I want to know what to expect and I don’t want any unpleasant surprises. In fact, for the most part, my family goes to the same places for vacation every year. I like this, because I already have it all figured out.
This year, however, my husband is throwing me for a loop. He announced that we are going on vacation, but that we are going to go somewhere new, and we are going to wait until the last minute to decide exactly where we are going. This freaks me out a little! And yet, it’s so freeing! The more I think about it, the more excited I get.
Yep. I’m a little quirky and conflicted, and now you know my inner workings. My husband says that I am an enigma. I think I’m just a mess. More so lately, than ever before. Maybe. Or maybe not.
Anyway, you may have heard that Elisabeth Elliot passed away a few weeks ago. She has been one of my heroes! Her words and her wisdom have convicted me, inspired me and brought clarity to my often muddled thoughts. I have been reading some of her nuggets of wisdom recently and I found this quote, which I love.
“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts.”
― Elisabeth Elliot
My thoughts are often intruded upon by things that I have no control over. The unknown future intrudes on my thoughts. I worry about things. At this phase in life, what I worry about most is my children’s futures. I wonder if they will walk in the ways of the Lord. I worry about their educations, their career choices, where they are going to live, and if they will get married or not. Sometimes I wish I had an atlas of their lives that I could look at and see exactly where they are going and how they are going to get there.
I was talking to my daughter about this recently and she said, “I don’t want to know what’s going to happen in the future. There are so many possibilities and it’s exciting!” (This is the same child who thinks that getting lost is a great adventure.) The truth is, I get so “intruded upon” by worry about the future, that I forget to enjoy the journey. My daughter is thoroughly enjoying the journey, and I am glad. I want to enjoy it too!
I have been lifting my heart to God and casting my cares on him. I have been so struck by the kindness and patience of the Lord. A few weeks ago I had a dream. Jesus was standing by my bed and he put his hand on my head and asked, “Will you trust me?” I realized that trusting him is a choice that I have to make every single day.
When I feel afraid because I cannot see what lies ahead, I have to choose to trust. There is nothing else to do. I can’t control where the road will go. There may be some bumps in the road and some unexpected things along the way. We may get delayed, and there may even be a few disappointments. In the midst of it all, I will hold onto this truth. “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” Proverbs 16:3. I don’t know exactly where this road is going, but I know that it’s going to be good. I have decided that I am going to roll the window down, let the wind blow through my hair and enjoy the journey.