My husband encourages me to write on Sundays. I love to write and I appreciate his encouragement. However, today I am feeling very unfocused. I have a gazillion (Yes, a gazillion) thoughts right now. Also, I’ve been reading Susanna Wesley and am feeling a little mouthy. So hold on to your hat and read on, if you dare.
1) Maybe you read my post “Stop the Chatter and Pray”. Well, there is still a whole lot of praying going on. I walk around the farm and pray. I find solitary little spots and pray. I carry on conversations with my Heavenly Father while I drive. I catch myself moving my hands and looking upwards as I do. Fellow drivers probably think I’m crazy. They might be right! (At least I can pretend I am talking on my phone if they look overly concerned.)
Yesterday, I was sitting in one of my favorite spots and I realized that I have been doing this my whole life. Yesterday I had quick flashes of times when I have desperately sought God, while walking or sitting in a quiet place. As a little girl I would sit on a hillside or under a tree and talk to the Lord about everything. Life was difficult then. I had many worries and the future seemed bleak. I also remembered when I came to the realization that I loved a boy, who I previously thought would be the last person I would ever consider marrying. We were from, what seemed to me, two different worlds. I walked for hours praying about that one! I didn’t know if I really loved him, or if I loved the life that I thought he could give me. In the end, I realized that he was a man I could follow anywhere, whether he became a wealthy doctor or circus juggler. I loved him for his heart and his character. The real issue was that I didn’t believe that he could ever love me. I realized that I would have to wait and see what would happen. While engaged to that same boy (Five years later), we would walk together and pray about our future. When I lost my babies through miscarriage, all I could do was cry. I sat in my yard and cried for hours. I couldn’t even see where I was going through the tears, so I sat instead of walked. But, I never felt closer to my me Heavenly father. I found comfort in Him and I could pour out my heart to Him. I knew that He was with me. There are many stories and memories of these times. There have been times when all I could do was rant and yell and ask God why. There have been times when I have begged for mercy and forgiveness. I have been in solitary places, on my face before God, pleading with him to empty me of myself and change me. Most recently, I am asking questions. I am asking for wisdom. I am asking Him to allow me not to just know how to follow, but how to truly understand and know His ways. As I sat alone in a field yesterday, I felt like my Heavenly Father was listening. Then, I thought back and realized that He was always listening. As I look back over my life I see all the ways that His hand has been upon it. I don’t know why it struck me yesterday, but I was truly overwhelmed with a sense of God’s daily presence in my life.
2) This parenting thing is difficult to figure out sometimes. I worry about decisions we make. I always wonder if we are doing things right. We haven’t always! One thing that I’ve been kind of a stickler about is that I have never allowed my oldest daughter to read romance novels or watch romance movies. The reason I never allowed it is because I read them and watched them as a girl and they created an unrealistic view of what love is. They caused me to think about things that should not have been thought about at that stage in life. I did not want that for my daughters. It’s been hard at times, especially when my daughter’s friends were reading certain books or seeing certain movies. I felt like ‘the mean mom’. However, my fifteen-year-old daughter has been reading a book about purity and she just thanked me for not allowing those things in her life. Yes! (A win for mean moms!)
3) Marriage-This is the topic that keeps me awake at night. I’m just going to say this. I’m mad that there are so many Godly young women that want to be wives and mothers, and the boys just aren’t asking. WHAT THE HECK? Seriously. Listen here Men, You don’t have to own a home or have a salaried position to get married. I supported my husband through medical school working as a coffee barista. His Granny gave us $20 a week for groceries until he graduated. Date night involved occasionally walking down the street to the shaved ice place. Sometimes we shared one! We didn’t have money. Now we do. Those memories of the hard times aren’t any less special to me. In fact, they are my favorite memories. It’s nice to have everything we need now, and I will be the first to admit that I am a little bit spoiled. Living lean for a few years didn’t kill us. Don’t wait till you have stuff to offer a wife. Be a man who seeks God first, be a man of good character, be disciplined with the money that you do have, walk with other men who you can be accountable to and who can help you love a wife the way Christ loved the church, and get married.
The sweetest thing that I ever heard my husband say was when he was talking to a young guy about getting married. He said, “My only regret in life is that I didn’t marry my wife sooner.” I was shocked when I heard him say it. (I was ready and willing for a long time before he asked!) It suddenly made sense to me though. He is always promoting young marriage and I didn’t know why until I heard him say that. My point is, “What are you waiting for, Boys?”
Well, I guess there are a few more random thoughts, but I do need to get my kids settled at some point. It sounds like World War 3 has started in my basement, and I have a feverish girl that needs some attention. TTFN peeps.