This morning I made my coffee and headed for the “quiet” little nook by the savanna. It turns out it’s not that quiet, but it is pleasant. I can see the mama zebra and her babies. There is a cozy fire and a porch lined with rocking chairs. It really is a beautiful place to visit.
Every time I sit down to write for this blog, I feel a pressure inside of myself to come up with something “deep” to share. I’m not giving in though. I’ve decided to just be real here. Somedays I do have deep thoughts, but the real “depth” of my life is the things that God is teaching me and how He is changing my heart. Hopefully by just journaling and writing, you will get a glimpse of that process. (Odd. On that note loud African music started blaring through the lobby speakers. The porch is empty and I am moving out there.)
Awe. Perfect. Anyway, I’ll share something that has been happening in my heart recently. There are deeper things happening. This is more of a result of that deep work that God is doing in my heart.
I have always wanted a big family. I always wanted to adopt lots of children. When I was little I would share these dreams with my mom. She would always say, “You better marry a doctor!” I didn’t really make that a goal in life, but it is funny that I did marry a doctor. We have been blessed with two biological children and three adopted children. Every one of them is a miracle! I feel quite blessed and very content.
About a year or so ago my husband started talking about adopting another child. At first I thought he was joking. The house was a mess, I was struggling to homeschool with excellence, and I was overwhelmed. Every time he mentioned it, I would laugh and think to myself, “He’s crazy if he thinks I can handle one more.” Then a few months back it dawned on me that he wasn’t kidding. He really wants one more child! I prayed about it and I felt like God spoke to my heart and said, “Stop laughing.” I sensed that I needed to be open to whatever God’s plan was for us.
I was overwhelmed by fear and terrified that I was going to fail my kids and my husband. There was a work that needed to be done in my heart. In my fear, I fought against that work. Through a series of events, arguments and long, tearful, emotional outbursts, I finally came to the end of myself. I got on my knees and I begged God to show me what the issue was and to change me. I wanted to be like Jacob, who wrestled all night with God and walked with a limp for the rest of his life.
God is faithful and he revealed things about myself to me. They were things that had always been right there in front of me, but that I would not admit. I will share those things someday, but today is the condensed story. I begged God to change me, and He is, day by day. I don’t even feel like the same person that I was a few months ago. Everything isn’t perfect, but I am learning to let others help me and offer advice. I can receive criticism and help without falling apart now.
This week, being with my children and my husband, I have been so blessed. A year ago, there was an absolute “No” in my heart about adding another child to our family. A few months ago there was a , “I still think you are crazy, but I’ll consider it,” in my heart. Right now there is a, “Lord, let your will be done,” in my heart. If there is a child out there who needs a mother, I am willing.” It’s different from when I was younger. I had lost three babies to miscarriage and there was a great longing in my heart for children. There was a great need in me for a child. Now, I don’t feel like I “need” to be completed. I am happy and content and blessed beyond measure. There is a lot of love in my heart. I am willing. That doesn’t sound very “romantic” even to my own ears. But the love I have to offer now is deep and mature. It’s about giving instead of getting.
So, Lord, I am willing. If there is a child out there who You want to place in our family, I am open and ready to pour out my life for him or her. Be my strength and make me able.
And now, I need to get back to my family.